If the Queen was to see the real Ireland, she should visit Longford........

So the Queen is coming to Ireland? There has been quite a mooted response to her impending visit (except in the Seanad where, as usual, they lost the run of themselves) so maybe it’s time to launch a campaign to bring her to Longford.

What do you mean, she wouldn’t come to Longford?!! If Queen Elizabeth does visit Ireland, doesn’t she deserve to see the real Ireland – not the Bord Failted version? You can’t go to Kerry or Clare without tripping over a shillelagh or a bloody leprechaun – if the Queen wants to see the real Ireland she should come to Longford…….

Forget Newgrange. Queen Liz could visit the Aughnacliffe Dolmen or even the Granard Motte, the highest Motte of its kind in Europe. If she has time she could have a cup of tea with the North Longford Men’s Group who, the last we heard, were learning how to text and use computers. Jeez, they could all become friends on Facebook, although I don’t know if it is actually appropriate to poke the Queen.

Meanwhile in Longford we could host a civic reception for Queen Liz in the vacant shopping centre in the town on the grounds that this is probably the only use that will ever be found for this venue. The fabulous glass structure at the bottom of the town was built at the height of the boom and now lies completely empty due to the lack of an anchor tenant. Maybe if the Queen performed the official opening ceremony this would attract retailers to the shopping centre?

I’m not sure how the Queen’s tailors would go down on Longford’s Main St but at this stage beggars can’t be choosers.

The Queen could go out to see the Kenagh clock tower built in 1798 and lovingly restored in recent years. From there she could head on to Corlea Trackway Centre for a bit of a history lesson.

She could take a trip up the Royal Canal – sure, it’s practically named after her!!!! It’s a pity that the QE2 has been decommissioned because it would look fantastic in Clondra Harbour – it would be a bit tight for sure, but on the plus side, the Queen could reach out a porthole and pull a pint in the Richmond Inn, if she fancied. Even without the QE2, the Queen and presumably Prince Philip could hop on a canal boat at Clondra and head up the historic canal. What better way to see south Longford? She could hop off at Abbeyshrule, officially Longford’s Tidiest Village, and check out the wonderful surroundings?

Isn’t Prince Philip a formal naval officer? He could navigate!

When it comes to so-called country pursuits, if John Gormley hasn’t succeeded in shutting them all down in the meantime, the Queen could take to a spot of clay pigeon shooting at the Longford Agricultural Show. As she knows a thing or two about horses, she would be the perfect judge for the horse competition and as a dedicated corgi fan, she could double up to judge the Dog Show. By that time, someone will probably have set up a hunt specifically to target Green Party members, so perhaps she’d enjoy a day or two at that. While in the area, she could compete in the new Gate Jumping Competition at the Granard Agricultural Show. In these recessionary times, even a Queen couldn’t turn her nose up at the 500 quid prize. Oh, there’d be so much for her to do, the Royal Visit could last the entire summer in Longford alone. It’s just such a pity she missed the Abbeylara Tractor Pulling Competition……that beats Royal It's a Knockout any day.

Best of all, the Queen can bring all her relatives, servants, dogs, cats and whatever else it is that forms part of a Queen’s entourage to Longford because the one thing we are not short of is houses. We have thousands of them, all empty.

All you have to do, as any good auctioneer will tell you, is turn the key.